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manners.

didn't your mommy tell you that wasn't nice?

i've always been somewhat obsessed with the idea of manners and what it means to be polite. so many rules seemed so arbitrary when i was younger, and many, just plain silly.

i hated when my mom told me martha stewart would be appalled because my elbows were on the table. wouldn't she also be appalled if she had to listen to barbara leave a four minute message while we ate? and the forks! i mean, come on! thank god my mom didn't care enough to tell martha about which fork i ate my salad with.

there were, of course, the obvious ones. sure, there was a phase in my life when i picked on some of the uncool kids. and sure, i knew it was wrong, and i understood perfectly when my mom said that's not nice. but then i was the uncool kid. and everything seemed so clear. oh! you mean it's just plain cruel?! well why didn't you say so?!

then there are the little manners that i just plain got a kick out of. to this day, i love wearing hats just because i love taking them off when it's polite to do so. and somehow, it drives me nuts when people sit down at the table with their hats or coats on. not only are you inside, but are you so ready to leave that you've got all your outwear on? and i can barely see your face when your silly brim is crooked like that. but that's neither here nor there.

i remember a friend once got really offended when i burped at a party. we got into a big ol' argument. well, now i understand. sorry, elena. won't happen again.

so two decades of martha freaking out because of my elbows, i got a job at a five star restaurant. wore a tux and everything. everything there was about manners. and, though not everyone abided by them, you can bet i bowed every time i left the table, striped words like "you guys" and "gonna" from my vocabulary, and did the whole sir this and ma'am that thing. and it broke me a little bit when i saw people slouch, saw people start eating before others got their food, or when guests snapped for a server to hurry. the guests bothered me more than the servers. how could they possibly spend an average of $180 per meal and act like they're eating TV dinners?!

there was one time i started tearing up a little bit. probably the classiest guy i've ever seen, top hat and all, came in, quietly and entirely not obnoxious, and took off his top hat and bowed to the hostess. right there he won my award. later in the evening, eating as if he was hosting ms martha herself, his date excused herself to use the restroom. and lord stewart stood up for her. it was beautiful. i couldn't believe it had such an effect on me. god damn i wish i was that cool. i do try.

--

and now i'm in china. proof that most manners are pretty much arbitrary. a place where it doesn't occur to people at all that a closed door is closed figuratively as well as physically. where personal space means nothing. where sound waves are up for grabs, regardless of how public your location is (or how shouting into your cell phone on a quiet train actually makes you cooler).

i can understand completely how so many rules are just rules because martha said so. likewise, how i need to be sensitive to the rules here that i'd never think of. like not sticking my chopsticks into my rice because it looks like incense at a temple or an ancestor's tomb. i've grown very good at chalking things up as "cultural differences". if someone does something that bothers me, i know they didn't mean anything by it. i'll just need to lock my door because i know you won't knock next time.

--

but there's a vastly different category of manners that have nothing to do with cultural differences, martha stewart, or what your mama said when you were young. in english, we try to reduce this category into a cute little catch phrase: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. but holy moly does that understate the value and importance of this genre. it goes one step further. you can't just do unto others as you would have them do unto you. because all people are different. you don't mind when i barge into your office when the door's closed? you don't mind when i say hurtful things to you because i think it's funny? you don't mind when i leave my hat on at the dinner table?

well, i do mind. and i try hard to respect and consider what are important "manners" to you. and if you look over what is important to me, that is just as disrespectful as calling someone fat or stupid. it's just as disrespectful as not giving an old man your seat on the bus. and it's just as disrespectful as going with a vegetarian to a restaurant where there's nothing but burgers and steak.

--

manners matter, people. if you don't know how something will affect someone, play it safe; play it by the rules.

and if i've ever offended you, i apologize.

April 16, 2008 @ 5:46am . 80 views . 3 comments