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oh! united

an ode to united airlines
some time ago when i was young
got me a credit card to buy on
i knew 'twas wise to get rewards,
but: american or united?

my logic was but simple, fair
my airports were a wond'rous pair
chicago/denver - a roundtrip fair
my tickets would be united.

each time i flew it seemed so odd
why so expensive these tickets i bought?
could it be that i ought
to go 'way from united?

of course there were delays and trouble
i always could forget the grumble
the humble jumbled words they mumble
when they'd tell me my flights they'd fumbled
but somehow i always seemed to stumble
onto ol' united.

but the worst in my few years
was fighting back all of the tears
christmas would be nothing near
no laughter tree or wine or beer
no flights 'til janu'ry next year
'cause i got fucked by united.

Lizerbeam is super keen
an angel from a magic dream
she drove me far away between
the texans and the cows who scream
don't fly with united.

let's not forget that one time when
i flew to see my ol' friend gwynne
in florida, that far 'way land
i'm sure the pilots hadn't planned
half day d'lay with united

and then 'twas time to fly out east
my nerves had somehow come to peace
first to stop in cali, sushi feast
but 36 hours my flight had ceased
i had to wait, i'd no release
for i had flown united.

but then what really pissed me off
were the words they mumbled before they scoffed
said i'd have to pay them off
a few hundred big ones - don't make me laugh! -
not to fly united.

i've gotten over the angry folk
who pretend to "serve" my single coke
i can't believe they're all such blokes:
the service on united.

and now brings us to yesterday
which made me jump and shout hooray
all this time has paid off, i say
i can use my miles to fly stefan - to hong kong to visit me and leave the gobi desert - for a couple days
all 'cause of united.

i called to confirm the reservation
after he bought tickets per our conversation
from ulan bator to my current nation
(my miles couldn't get him to the station)
for i was kind of screwed by united

and when i called they said softly: oops.
my heart sank; i knew i'd been duped
they said "reservation" don't mean poop
no more seats, that was the scoop
for i had chosen united.

so here i sit, i've drunk my booze
i've got no choice but to sing the blues
with their gun to my head, i'll pay my dues
to the evil that's called:

united.

May 29, 2009 @ 7:00am . 61 views . 4 comments