self
i remember in high school a smolark once said "you are nothing more than the sum of the ways you've reacted in situations." i am by no means saying i agree with this, yet i'm also not disagreeing. i generally feel who you are, if there even is such a thing, is based also upon the way you intend to react to certain situations. not to say that if you don't want to kill someone but still do that you're only merited for what you intended, but that both matter. perhaps i'm making no sense. but i'm intending to...
to get to the point. i like who i've become. i generally think i'm a pretty good guy. i'm not proud of everything i've done, but i'm happy and i try to be good to people and to appreciate things, and as a result, i don't think i'm too bad a person. but there really are some times that i just can't believe myself. where i know i'm doing something i'm not proud of, something i shouldn't, but still go through with it. and i really can't figure it out.
i think one of the most beautiful phrases in the english language is "swallow your pride."
last night, hoan, my vietnamese roommate invited me out for dinner. we went to get sushi, and i had a great time. great conversation, great food, great time. we came home around 9 and played chinese chess for a few hours. i had a few beers, which generally translates into lousy playing. since he arrived here, we've played 9 games-- i've won five, he's won seven. but i lost the last two. i won't blame it on alcohol, but stefan knows when i say that i play like crap when i've had even one beer. and i played alright, but i could easily recognize my mistakes. and for about twenty minutes after i lost the second game (the fourth of the evening) and we had decided not to play anymore, hoan told me why i lost. i know that he's been playing far longer than i have. i know that he's played more than a handful of people (like i have). i know that he's surrounded by it far more than i am. but i could just not listen to him. what he was saying made sense, but i just did not want to hear it. i wanted to accept that i lost two games and move on. i knew that i was being absurd and rude and disrespectful, but i just couldn't do it. so i said i was getting tired and retired to my room.
again, i think i'm an okay guy, but sometimes i do things that i just can't understand. i mean, how painful is it to sit there and listen to his advice, which is most likely very valuable? it's like taking out the trash or doing the dishes. it only takes two minutes and can go so far.
"so stop all this weeping and swallow your pride. you will not die; it's not poison."
comments:
I don't think you were being rude in anyway. As the winner he should have felt out how receptive you were to being "taught". It is almost a matter of gloating to explain to some one you just beat why you beat them. It is like beating them twice. That's not respectful at all.
Benji! | September 22 @ 7:32pm